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Barbara’s Check (My Check)

Overdosin’ - Heidi Montag

Captain Morgan For President in 2008

One day O’Leary decided to visit his friend Paddy and ask him for a favour. “Paddy my friend”, he said. “I’m going on holiday for a few weeks an I wanted to know if you could come around a couple a times a day to check up on me elderly ma, an feed me cat”.

“No problem”, replied Paddy. “You go an have a good time”.

So the next day O’Leary left and headed for sunny Florida. However, after a week of him being there, he received a phone call from Paddy. “Everything’s ok over here”, Paddy said.
“Except you’re cat. It’s dead”!

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A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
“Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks, “And what are those?”

The Aussie, fed up with the Texan’s bragging replies with an incredulous look,
“What, don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”

Three men are traveling in the Amazon: a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican.
They get captured by a fierce tribe of Amazons.

The tribe leader tells them they will be whipped for entering their territory. The tribe chief says to the Candian, “What do you want on your back for your whipping?”

The Canadian responds, “I will take oil!”
So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times.
When he is finished the Canadian has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

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Leroy is given a homework assignment. Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences.

Here’s what he handed in:

HONOR ROLL - We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL.
PLANET - I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.
DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, “DISMAY hurt a little.”
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Turaqistan is a country occupied by an American private corporation run by the former US Vice President. In an effort to monopolize the opportunities the war-torn nation offers, the corporation’s CEO hires Hauser to kill a Middle Eastern oil minister.

Confucious say…

…woman sitting in jelly have her ass in jam.
…man with penis in peanut butter, fucking nuts.
…man who puts penis in vaccuum cleaner, get sucked off.
…boy who lay girl on hill, not on level.
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Two mid-level Chicago supermarket employees–Doug and Richard, a dubious new guy from Canada–compete ruthlessly for a coveted managerial post at a new store location. Doug and Richard could not be more different, but going head-to-head in a contest of wits and will reveals how they have more in common than they once suspected.